The first time I had sex was memorable. My former boyfriend, with whom I’d known since I was 13 years old, was an important part of my life. We’d spent many years getting to know one another. Our families were close. We truly thought our union was a special ‘gift from god’. Unfortunately, the subsequent months were filled with guilt, shame, and self-hatred. So, I thought God was punishing me/us because our worlds got turned upside down.
This was my turning point.
If this wonderful experience with someone I loved caused so much pain, and god was behind it, then I wanted nothing to do with him. Consequently, my existential crisis ensued.
In “The Hidden Curriculum of Sex and Intimacy,” I wrote, “hiding the fullest version of self was celebrated through public shaming, religious judgment and persecution, and cultural adoptions of harmful language and behaviors.” I finally took a risk to follow my heart and was promptly persecuted in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. My takeaway message: me being me (i.e. open, loving, caring, and full of life) was NOT for everyone and they let me know it. This seminal experience broke my heart in so many ways that I wanted nothing to do with relationships or religion.
Even before this event, I wasn’t sure I’d ever get married. It wasn’t on my list of ‘must-dos’. I had a whole lotta life to live and learn before “settling down”. Then, I met my soon-to-be spouse. Out of the blue, when I least expected it, there he was. I was NOT looking and tried hard to keep my distance. We worked together for 4 seasons and developed an incredible friendship. I felt so safe with him. If it hadn’t been for him, I’m not sure where I’d be where I am in my embodiment practice. I’m not sure how I would be regarding my openness in relationships, and curiosity about pleasure, sex, and intimacy.
He carried no shame in his desires and interests – modeling to me what it could be like to really sink into the juice of life. Our years together have taught me so much about myself and some painful truths needed to be addressed head-on. I had to face my own shame and do the hard work to liberate myself from the chains of self-hatred.
Eating disorder. Loud inner critic. Dark night of the soul. Sleep disturbances. Anxiety. Pushing past my capacity. Burning out. Twice. This is what it looked like to liberate myself from myself. Each of these had their own flavor of wisdom. Each of them was trying to tap me on the shoulder whispering, “melt into who you are. Let it be ok. Let YOU be ok. Enjoy life and its richness. Enjoy bodily pleasure. RELAX. REST.”
Handcrafted Desire
Relax. Rest. They sound simple enough, don’t they? I know logically these are critical aspects of our lives. These include showing up for our loved ones. They involve putting forth the effort into the things we care about. They also mean making the difference only we can make. Somatically – in my body – the story is more like “you gotta hurry and get stuff done. There’s no time for relaxing and resting. What if something bad happens and it’s your fault because you were taking care of yourself?” My soul shows herself on occasion and tells it how it really is: “reclaiming your body is sacred ground. Melt, child. Melt.”
I chose melt for my 2026 word-of-the-year. I chose it because the more somatic work I do, the more I realize how much I hold in my mind-body-soul. Some of it is mine, my history, my ancestors, and my stories. Some of it is not mine and is more other peoples’ history, their ancestors, and their stories. Melt provides an opportunity to create practices that usher me into a handcrafted luxury space for intimacy. One where my mind-body-soul knows, without a doubt, that I am safe. I am loved. And I am worthy of pleasure, joy, and being fully seen.
I began to create my own rituals for intimacy. This involved letting go of expectations, fears, and self-judgment. It involved slowing down and exploring sensory pleasure. I focused on somatic healing. I openly communicated fantasies to partners who hold space for me with curiosity. I discovered that delving deeper into my truth, traversing intimate terrain, and building lasting connections was my kryptonite.
Examples of Rituals:
- OM-ing. Organismic meditation was one of the practices that allowed me to realize just how unsafe I felt. This can be an individual practice but tends to be a very powerful partner practice. Generally, this is about 15 minutes of mindfulness where you or your partner explores your anatomy. If you are the receiver, you are typically clothed from the waist up. Your partner is gloved to focus on the connection and curiosity rather than climax. Descriptions of what the persons sees, smells (yes, I know. It’s less horrifying than it sounds.) and hears. All senses are engaged slowly and purposefully. After the 15 minutes, the receiver decides how they wish to proceed. Further pleasure is on the table or not. The ultimate goal is not about intercourse or anything beyond the mindful experience of the 15-minute practice. It just is… let it be ok for that to be enough.
- Mirror work. When I earned my Psychology of Eating coaching certification in 2015, our homework was to look at ourselves naked in the mirror. The instructions were to just observe. No grimacing. No negative words or thoughts. Just notice. I cried at this practice. I couldn’t stop the harsh words criticizing every curve of my body, every wrinkle, every imperfection. However, I was and still am determined to practice self-love and acceptance every time I catch a glimpse of myself, clothed or not.
- Self-touch. Working as a somatic practitioner, it never ceases to amaze me how uncomfortable people are with touching themselves. To be clear, the touch is mainly to engage their senses and is not sexual in nature. For example, if someone is struggling to stay grounded, I may ask them to sit and press their hands against their thighs, engaging pressure to subdue the vibration. Our soma, or cell-body, stores a lot of information and touch allows for another level of contact. Self-touch is a powerful exercise to show yourself, physically, that your body safety, pleasure, and wholeness is sacred.
- Eye-gazing. When I first began this practice, it was unsettling. I couldn’t relax and felt like the other person was seeing all that I was insecure about in life. Then, the more I practiced, the more I felt loved and held by my partner. Eye-gazing can be a wonderful way to travel to the depths of connection for which you’ve been searching. Syncing your breath with your partners can be an added benefit and facilitates co-regulation – an interactive, reciprocal process where a partners helps regulate the nervous system of the other.
- I-I conversations. This is also a recent practice, with thanks to a talented couples therapist. Deep listening is the magic of this exercise. One person is the Initiator, whose job it is to identify a topic/issue/heart-string and share it with their partner. The other person is the Inquirer, whose sole job is to ask questions, get curious, and hold loving space for what needs shared. Additionally, this person’s job is also to maintain self-regulation even when topics gets heated, uncomfortable, and may seem argumentative. The ways I’ve felt seen, heard, and validated in this practice has offered profound healing and connection.
- Fantasy writing. This is relatively new for me. Writing down scenes from the depths of my desires is, honestly, terrifying. It’s as though writing it down means something about me — am I strange for wanting or thinking about a thing? It is taking me some time to get the hang of it and I have lots of room for growth, but it is something I’m finding liberating and exciting.
- Check-Ins. Anyone who is in a relationship with themselves or partner(s), check-ins are essential. My partner and I began this after years of ups and downs. We felt like things were going along smoothly and then, BAM!, we’d find ourselves far away from each other and couldn’t understand why. Using a set of check-in questions can invite a different kind of conversation. One that directly asks “how are we” as a couple. Typically, this is a weekly or biweekly exercise. In addition, we do a ‘State of the Union’ address and ‘Relationship visioning’ once a year. This requires us both to identify where we are and where we want to go in our lives together.
- Dancing/Movement. A dear friend of mine has spent the better part of her adult life moving through dance. Beit bachata, rumba, or salsa, she thrives on this intimacy. I don’t blame her. I love dance! I find the most freedom in individual movements, but partner dancing is a special kind of trust-building, romance, and connection. This is one I want to cultivate more of in my life. So, stay tuned and share your experiences with me!
- Mindful touching. If you’re not the touchy type, it’s ok. I wasn’t either. I realized I wasn’t the touchy type because of how unconscious much of the touch was. Once we began practicing different kinds of touch, with intentionality, my perspective and response to touch changed. Mindful touch can be the receiver asking for exactly what they want regarding conscious touch. It can also be the receiver enjoying touch without directing or requesting, but solely embracing the connection.
- Sensory deprivation and enhancement. This one is fun! Before you begin anything, communicate openly about wants/needs/requests/desires. Try noise-canceling headphones with or without curated music and an eye mask or blindfold. Your partner may uses feathers or tickle wands, ice cubes, essential oils, hand paddles, pinwheels, waxplay candles. By depriving your visual cortex (ie. eyesight), your somatosensory processing naturally become enhanced. So, the body-based sensations feel even better, stronger. Auditory deprivation acts similarly, it enhances your focus on the physical sensations, increasing pleasure.
- Intentional time and space. Auto-pilot is commonplace these days. The ultimate practice for me and many of the people I know is to return to presence over and over again. Creating intention with time and space for ourselves and our partners is how intimacy grows or withers. I have a daily ‘presence practice’ where I spend a few moments turning my attention toward my bodily positioning, my breath, my thoughts and emotions. Making micro-adjustments liberate me from clenching or holding too tightly. I may notice sensations that generate discomfort, or gratitude, or angst. I do my best to be with all of those experiences with gentleness. By engaging in this practice, I can be so much more for myself and those I love.
Disclosure: for those with sexual, body, or psychological trauma please use discretion when attempting any of the above rituals.
Liberation: The Arrival and the Infinite the Journey
My small-town roots no longer define the boundaries of my world, nor do I need to hide from the girl I once was. I see her now—not as broken, but as a seed germinating in frozen soil, waiting for the thaw. Intimacy is no longer my transgression or my rebellion; it is my oxygen. It is a simple, beautiful, and non-negotiable human requirement.
The rituals I’ve shared are more than just “exercises.” They are the tools I used to excavate my own soul. For twenty years, I have been clearing the debris of shame to find the bedrock of my own desire. Each time I practice, I discover that liberation isn’t a destination I reach and then leave; it is the very air I breathe.
The New North Star
If the first half of my life was defined by constriction, the second half is defined by radiance. I am no longer “catching and releasing” parts of myself to fit into a mold that was never cast for me. Instead, I am gathering every fragment—the trauma, the desire, the clinical knowledge, and the raw sensation—and inviting them to the table.
Liberation is the quiet, steady realization that I am finally safe in my own skin. It is the resistance against silence, the power of a regulated breath, and the generative fire of a heart that refuses to stay small.
I am not just a therapist; I am a witness. I am not just a partner; I am a participant. I am not just surviving; I am melting into the magnificent, expansive truth of who I have always been.
I have come home to myself. And the door is wide open.
Lighting the Path 