Part 2: The Hidden Curriculum in Sex and Intimacy

I have an eclectic taste in music. You can catch me dancing around the house to the Scissor Sisters, Sara Bareilles, Sofi Tukker, Ray Lamontagne, Florence and the Machine, Nahko and Medicine for the People, or my new favorite Soca Playlist. I am also a fan of reggae. Ziggy Marley said it best, “If you keep hiding your true self, your life becomes like slow death. Once you become free from the lies and the hiding of yourself, then life becomes vibrant again.” My bones felt that. Can anyone else feel it too?

For me, hiding the fullest version of self was celebrated through public shaming, religious judgment and persecution, and cultural adoptions of harmful language and behaviors. The hidden curriculum conditioned me to believe my relationship to, within, and between sex and intimacy needed to be quiet and subdued, omitted from medical and mental health conversations, and guided by the church or government.

The veils through which many of us hide can be the very thing that creates liberation. My last post “An Evolution: From a Culture of Shame to a Sex Therapy Certification“, I spoke about sex, intimacy, and connection and the struggle to accept myself as a sexual being, without shame and guilt. While I tried hard to conceal my sexual energy, I was fooling no one. When I finally acknowledged it, healed my shame, and began exploring, I unearthed my sovereignty.

Much like any other topic (e.g. food, body image and embodiment, etc), our relationship to, within, and between intimacy and sex are representations of how we experience pleasure and pain, joy and sadness, connection and isolation. Social and cultural constructs influence our relationship to, within, and between intimacy and sex related to trauma, pleasure and desire, arousal, and more.

• Our relationship to these subjective experiences is an interpretation. It is directional.
• Our relationship within is our internalization of the experience. It is a self-evaluation.
• Our relationship between is the dynamic that occurs amongst the experience. It is bi-directional and a space between two or more.

Examples:

• Relationship To

            Small town southern Idaho is not known for its sex education and generally, from my recollection, included 1-2 hours to cover anatomy, the menstruation cycle, arousal signs, scare tactics of STD/STIs and pregnancy, and a heavy dose of “abstinence as the only way,” until marriage of course. So, my relationship to intimacy and sex was grossly uninformed and assumed the ‘goal’ was to produce children or orgasm. Focused mainly on an “outcome”, relationship to was framed as “we both agree we are working toward something.” For some, working toward may mean sexual conquests, number of partners, specific sexual experiences. These may be others relationship to. Primarily, it is directional in nature.

            My relationship to my body, to desires and pleasure, to attraction, to intimacy and sex all felt taboo. If ever these topics arose, the conversation quickly became about sin. My body was only to be a pure vessel through which you perform, achieve, and produce. My desires and pleasure are topics unworthy of discussion unless it contributed to achieving an aesthetic. Attraction was a slippery slope because it was a direct line to sin. Intimacy and sex are not discussed or explored.

• Relationship Within

            The heavy dosing of shame and guilt obscured my relationship within. Developing a sexual relationship within myself was a foreign concept because small-town Idaho focuses on another relationship within; “how is my relationship with god?” Self-awareness, including emotion identification and body literacy, was denied. The only relationship within worthy of cultivation was through the lens of “good” or “bad” in the eyes of god. My relationship within has been a very long, slow journey to embodiment and self-love. Years of practices that ground and energize me have given me the freedom to safely explore my wisdom and desires.
            As a therapist, and generally curious person, I have thousands of training and certification hours. My hope was and is to better understand my own experience in hopes that I could be validated. Delving deeper into the impacts trauma has on the body-mind has given me a front row seat into my own challenges as an adoptee with hip dysplasia and respiratory issues. Wearing a brace for the first 6 months of my life and being placed daily in a childcare environment marked by violence and substance abuse significantly impacted my nervous system. My knowledge has expanded through several fields. These include neuroscience and Somatic Experiencing, as well as Emotion Freedom Technique. Compassion Focused Therapy and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy have also been valuable. The Psychology of Eating and Integrative Mental Health have further enriched my understanding. Soon-to-be Sex Therapy will add further depth. Ultimately, my goal is to have a comprehensive understanding of the mind-body-soul connections and the ripple effects they have on oneself and others. Every reading, article, training, conversation has validated my experience and added to my relationship within.

            In sex and intimacy, a relationship within is a grounded and safe place to discover the self, including desires, triggers, and passions. Furthermore, it is a regulated nervous system that whispers “Go on. Take risks. You’re ok. You are loved regardless of what you discover.” To me, a healthy relationship within is a strong sense of self. Self-trust is the key in relationship within.

• Relationship Between

            Understanding relationships and the dynamics that arise has been fascinating to me, one I’ve been investigating since I was a child. I had so many questions as I evaluated my own family, others’ family, and the community at large. As I attempted to fulfill the “good girl” role, my relationship between became mostly people pleasing. Accommodating others’ needs and wants were most important. Minimizing my needs was the way I could develop a relationship between myself and others. The relationship between is the space that is created between two or more people that signifies place. Is the space safe? Does the space between have unspoken assumptions or expectations? Is the space reciprocal? Are their power dynamics in the space? What else shows up in that space (i.e. compassion, non-judgment, generosity, fear, anger, etc)? The space between us and someone can be the energetic field that exists. Being intentional and nurturing that space with love is ideal.

            A message clear to me growing up; my emotions were a nuisance and it was best for me to quickly calibrate to others’ emotions to maintain connection. My relationship between others was accommodating and looked like self-abandonment.

            A more clinical term for what I’m describing is differentiation. Differentiation is the ability to deeply understand self and recognize others have needs, wants, desires that are different than mine. Ultimately, it is the psychological capacity to define one’s own thoughts, feelings, and values while staying emotionally connected to others. It involves maintaining a stable sense of identity and acting independently, even when facing pressure, conflict, or high emotional intensity.

            Now, my relationship between is healthier every day. I am more able to maintain a strong, loving sense of self and maintaining nervous system regulation when people in my life are not regulated. People pleasing and self-abandonment is becoming increasingly a past self experience.

Exposing the Hidden Curriculum

         For a long time, I bought in to the hidden curriculum; stifling my relationship to, within, and between my own sex and intimacy was how I maintained a functional façade, avoiding rejection. Learning these implicit and explicit messages had dire consequences for me. They harmed my mind, my body, my soul, my relationships with others. At age 42, I’m still learning the pervasiveness of how the messages seep into my life. Like cancer, I never really know how long it will be in remission.
            Similar to music, my/our relationship to, within, and between the lyrics, rhythms, and sounds, varies. We experience different ways connections to tempo and volume. The complexities and layers music can provide is a lovely metaphor for our aliveness or slow death that takes place if the relationship to, within, and between sex and intimacy are enacted out of complacency or unconsciousness. In life, the relationship dulls from of religious dogma, unexamined social norms, and/or shame. Our light dims and hiding seems like the only option.
            Writing this 3-part series on sex and intimacy is my attempt to air out what me and many of my friends experienced. It was important to me to name the hidden curriculum as corrosive. I am calling out the ways it negatively impacted our relationship to, within, and between sex and intimacy. By doing so, I am reclaiming my mind, my body, my soul, my relationships, and the life force that is healthy intimacy.

            To those of you who have sent me messages, left voicemails, or sought me out in person to share your stories, thank you.