I have had a connection to this being for many years, this soul filled with playfulness and creativity. Her dad would bring in pictures, place them on every identifiable surface and demand we announce “baby!” every time he pointed at her sweet face. He was completely smitten with her and it rubbed off. I met her when she was 3 years old. Her big brown eyes, intense gaze, and straight dark hair created a visceral response in me. It was the most innocent and trepidatious interaction. I recall it vividly.
At the time, I was a 24-year-old fighting fire in the summers, trying to figure out how to “adult”. In the off-season, I pieced together work, considered graduate school, and ultimately began dating her father. Slowly, as years went by, I became more and more part of her life. Weaving our lives together was gradual and bittersweet. I had to learn her language, teach her skills, love her softly and fiercely, co-parent, and open to more parts of myself – it was exhilarating and terrifying. She came with some challenges, being diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum, having a bearish biological mother, and navigating a blended family. As one of my greatest teachers, all she had to do was be herself. I was being invited into a personal healing journey I’m not sure I would have chosen. And I was determined to show up for her as best I could. So, my healing journey began.
From “stepdaughter” to “bonus kid” to now “daughter”, these terms have evolved for various reasons. For many years, due to the aforementioned challenges, my role was tenuous and disregarded. So, the progression of these terms depicts the nature of our relationship. We have mostly had a pretty sweet connection, albeit with the exception of a few rough years that we got through without too much damage. Recently (as in the last couple of weeks), adopting the term “daughter” came from a brief text exchange.
Me: “Morning. This is SUPER random… but, how would you feel if I just started referring to you as my daughter?”
Her: “I’m cool with that.”
Me: “Ok. 😊 What prompted it was a meeting I had today that I can tell you about sometime. I called you my daughter and it just felt so damn good. Love you.”
Her: “Love you tooo ❤️❤️.”
You may be reading this thinking “What’s the big deal”? I probably would be too if I didn’t know the background. Our story is complicated. It’s filled with sorrow, anger, heartache, confusion, and deceit. It’s also filled with reconnection, love, honesty, compassion, and vulnerability. It’s because it was complicated that I was fearful of being mom-like, let alone a mom. The fear was because of my own expectations and possible judgments of what a “good mom” does/is. I had 3 moms. My birth mom who physically, emotionally, and spiritually breathed life into me. My adopted/life mom who taught me the fundamentals of life, provided for me, and exposed me to culture and art. My soul mom who showed me heart-centered connection and modeled compassion. Each of these women contributed to who I am and how I parent. They showed me the various iterations of motherhood.
As I try on some of these iterations, I am continually humbled and in awe at the many relationships necessary for a person’s growth and development. She just finished her first year at college – something we are beyond proud of considering the predictions the Autism diagnostician was making when she was 3 years old – and she is becoming an incredible human being. The lessons I’ve learned from her surpass what I would have wanted if I’m being honest, and these lessons have been critical to my growth. Reflecting on our bittersweet past and being fully in our present fills my heart full of gratitude. I am a better therapist and coach because of her. I am a better partner because of her. I am a better advocate because of her. I am a better mom because of her.
Mother’s Day takes on a new meaning for me this year as I have finally embodied the term in a way that feels grounded, loving, forgiving, and expansive. As with most experiences or relationships, sometimes it’s the ones you resist the most that provide the most opportunity for growth.
Sophia, thank you for being you!
Lighting the Path 
Awe. Thank you!
You have a gift for expressing the profound moments of motherhood.