Part 1: Self-Care: The Dirty Word

Does anyone else have a love-hate relationship with this word? Seriously. How many times have we heard over the years that ‘self-care’ is a necessary aspect of our wellbeing? Part of me wants to yell from the rooftops “YES, it is! It can be so powerful!” and the other part says “yeah, yeah, yeah. Calm down over there, Pollyanna.”

Self-care has been so hyped up that the word has virtually no meaning anymore, not to mention that it’s a laughable concept altogether when we consider where we are in history; the push/pull of our attention around every corner, the demands of everyday life, and the continual big T and small t traumas being inflicted on so many across the globe. Self-care seems trite.

I’m here to reframe and reclaim the word for us all!

Let’s think about self-care from a maintenance perspective. If our goal is to live a full, joyful, long life then we must make choices – as much as possible – that support that goal. Here’s the catch. You and I might have very different definitions for what that looks like, how to achieve it, and the actual embodiment of that goal. What fills up your cup may not fill up mine and vice versa. That’s what makes self-care so cool; it’s unique to each of us!

So, try the following statements to reframe and reclaim self-care:

• It is a declaration to yourself & the world that you matter.
• It is non-negotiable.
• It is a radical act of self-love.
• It is about re-calibration, not constant balance.
• It is a manifestation practice.
• It is a middle finger to a system that perpetuates burnout.
• It is showing your family and friends that you love them.

The reason self-care has become a dirty word is because of the conflict it creates in us. The explicit, or verbal, message we receive is “do x, y, z to support your wellbeing”. The implicit, or behavioral/systems, message we receive is “x, y, z isn’t possible because time, money, and energy are finite”.

When I work with people, I get the following responses when I ask about their “self-care practices”:

• “My life is more complicated than doing meditation or yoga.”
• “There’s no time for self-care.”
• “I don’t have money for a spa day.”
• “It’s one more thing to add to my to-do list.”
• “I do self-care and it doesn’t seem to work.”
• “The system perpetuates my survival mode.”
• “Self-care is for people with privilege.”

Look, I’m not delusional enough to believe or tout that it’s always easy. Worthy self-care practices bear repeating if we want long-term gains, which isn’t what we typically want to hear. Some of us want quick fixes.

The ugly truths about self-care:

• It is not the magic cure-all. You may need to invest other time, energy, and resources into other areas of your life.
• It does not solve systemic issues that perpetuate discrimination, violence, and trauma.
• It requires regular attention. You will need to check in with yourself to assess what you need, moment-to-moment.
• It might mean you choose the sustainable thing over the easy thing. For example, take the walk instead of scrolling social media. Notice when you’re trying to avoid healthy discomfort (e.g. achy muscles during/after a workout) and/or numb yourself from mental or emotional pain (e.g. drinking alcohol).
• It likely means something else doesn’t get done. The chores, the errands, the night out. Whatever takes away from your energy is the antithesis of self-care.
• At times, people may tell you caring for yourself is selfish. I continually use the instructions we receive in an airplane, “in case of an emergency, please put your oxygen mask on first. Then, assist others” because we cannot help others if we are depleted.

The reality is self-care is one aspect that is part of wholeness and sometimes self-care doesn’t cut it, and more is needed.

For more, read ‘Part 2: When Self Care Isn’t Enough’.