Radical Acceptance: What It IS and ISN’T

What it IS

Radical acceptance is a concept that describes a process of accepting pain as a natural part of human nature, and it is through our attachment to lessening the pain that suffering occurs. By accepting pain as part of living we become free from the confines of suffering. This seemingly counterintuitive response to pain can be the barrier for people when they attempt to practice.

Radical acceptance is what therapists teach in dialectical behavior therapy – acknowledging that multiple things can be true simultaneously. Dialectical means duality. It’s balancing the contradictory nature of a situation, relationship, or experience. And Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) —  not to be confused with the EFT in Energy Freedom Technique — that balances the emotional and logical mind to create the wise mind. Acceptance means acknowledging FULLY the moment that is now; there is no judgment or expectation.

I have been practicing radical acceptance since 2015 when I learned about it from Tara Brach, meditation teacher, author, and psychologist.

This is what it might look and sound like in practice:

Over the years, I’ve had recurring health issues. Migraines. IBS. Fatigue. These are the ones that tend to throw me in to the suffering spiral because of the intensity AND because of my relationship to them. Most recently, my digestive system has been acting up; bloating, cramping, pain, and constipation. (TMI? too bad. Keep reading. There are gems.) Anyone who’s experienced these symptoms knows they can be painful, depending on severity and duration. Lately, it’s been some of the worst I’ve felt. My typical reaction can be an initial “THIS again! WTF?” followed by “Why can’t I just have a normal, pain-free day?” I get agitated and angry at the discomfort. The pain becomes all-consuming. I struggle to concentrate on anything else. I’m expecting the pain will spontaneously cease to exist and I can go about my day unrestricted.

THIS is where the chafe occurs! (Chafing is when the emotional rub feels unbearable, and I’ll try anything.)

What’s happening is I am resisting the current moment, or series of moments. I am resisting the experience of pain, wishing it would go away. The reality is the wishing it would go away is creating the suffering. I am clutching tightly to a different experience, thereby recycling and amplifying the pain. My body is responding by tightening, shallow breathing, and all I want to do is lay down. When I’m aware I’m doing this, I try something different.

Here’s what I practice instead: I close my eyes and acknowledge the pain. I get curious about it. Where is it in my body? What are the primary sensations (e.g., sharpness, dull ache, localized)? I begin making a conscious effort to say ‘hello’ to the pain, giving it room to breathe. It’s in those moments when the pain subsides AND suffering diminishes. In those moments, I focus my attention so closely on the discomfort that instead of the pain increasing it fades into the background. It’s gradual, but noticeable. It’s powerful.

The shift occurs when you relax into the pain instead of bracing against it.

What it ISN’T

Radical acceptance is NOT about resignation, giving up, conceding. It’s NOT about laying on the floor and wallowing in the pain. I’m suggesting the opposite: connect more with the pain, turn toward the pain with curiosity.

This is what it might look and sound like in practice:

I started noticing the impact these symptoms were having on my day-to-day, so much so that it prevented me from doing the things that might make them better like going for walks, eating mindfully, taking slow, deep breaths. I started noticing every new uncomfortable sensation, fixating on it, sinking into frustration, anger, and eventually hopelessness. This is NOT radical acceptance. This is wallowing. I was recycling the narrative, “THIS again! WTF?” and “Why can’t I just have a normal, pain-free day?” Digging my heals further into the ground, I was determined to beat the living &^%$ out of these symptoms when I had the energy to do so. Did it work? Nope. It did NOT.

“Where your attention goes, your energy flows.” James Redfield

Ultimately, radical acceptance is the process of learning to create a different relation to the pain and a new understanding; the only thing you can control is your reaction, even when it feels like you don’t have control. Radical acceptance empowers us to let go of what we cannot control, make peace with the present moment, and focus our energy on creating a new way of being with discomfort and pain.

Be sure to check out Part 2: ‘How to Practice Radical Acceptance’.